When Your Little Toes Hit The Floor... A Letter to "My Bugs"

It's no surprise to anyone how enamored I am with you.  Each night when you are fast asleep I try my best to snuggle as close to you as possible.  Even in your sleep you are so independent.  No touching. No covers.  When I put my arm across your side it isn't long before you move into a position as if to say "you are invading my space."  Why is it that when you are asleep I miss you even more that the rest of the hours I miss you during the day?  I don't even know how that is possible.  I often look at you and it's as if you are literally growing right in front of me. 

I like to think that I am a good Mommy.  The Good Lord knows, I am better with you under my wing each day. But I can't help but think about all these little blog posts I read from other writers about how we all miss out on recognizing that our little one's are growing and before we know it- Poof!-You are off to college.  I don't feel like I don't recognize it.  I feel like I am living it every day. Dreadfully, living it.  

Every day I want to soak up the minutes with you.  From the moment the alarm goes off, I don't want to move.  That's my first favorite part of the day with you.  Because I look over and you are always so sound asleep.  So comfortable.  The thought of making you wake up is the first string to go on my heart.  As I crawl out of bed to take my shower I always touch your face first and say "good morning, beautiful"  and I am certain that on occasion you hear me.  As soon as I finish my shower I immediately come back to you.  For the next 20 minutes I sit on the edge of the bed gently rubbing your back and your little arms trying to wake you with peace.  My second favorite thing of the day is when you mumble under your scruffy little morning voice "scratch...rub...scratch...rub..."  as though you've been awake the whole time and you've just been soaking up the spa treatment.  And every day it's the same thing once your little eyes open as I wash them with a warm cloth, "Momma, will you carry me to the couch (to watch cartoons)."  That's my third favorite part of the day with you.  Because I know before too long you won't be letting me carry you at all.  I know that in about 30 minutes from that moment your toes are going to hit the floor and before I barely take a deep breath the sun will have set again.  I always seem to be in rush mode for that next 45 minutes and I can't help but know deep in my heart I am missing little molecules of the time with you to prepare to be somewhere without you for the next 9-10 hours. And it isn't long before you make me aware that you are preparing for it too.  "Momma, I'm gonna miss you today."  "Momma, will you try to pick me up a little early today?"   And in that one statement and that one question that I hear honestly every day, I am quickly reminded those words are the least favorite part of my day with you because I know I can't tell you the answer you want to hear.  As we head out the door and the rest of the routine unfolds I make sure that I take ahold of your hand even for the few steps we make to the car.  I know sometimes you would rather make sure your "Twinkle Toes" (stuffed puppy, of which I had no part in choosing the name) and your "B" are in firm grip, than to hold my hand but I am not about to give up that little opportunity I still have.    From the minute we get into the car and you make your morning call to Daddy to say "good morning" to the time we arrive at your daycare/school it's like the motion of the day is in full force and I am already thinking about the countdown until I get to pick you back up.  Next comes my fourth favorite part of my day with you.  It's when "Ms. P" leaves the inside door propped open between the outside door and the preschool room because she knows you stand in that doorway every morning to wave goodbye to me and catch my kisses blowing your way. I love that you will stand there until I get back in the street to watch for me to cross back in front of your view and stop again to blow you 3-5 more kisses.  Between you catching them I can see your little hands waving as if to say "I see you Momma, I see you!!!"   Every day.  And then comes the time apart.  Although I love my job, it still feels like the hours that separate us consume lifetimes.  And then when it's finally time to pick you up again, the clock begins to move at warp speed.  Meanwhile, I am in full recognition that our time for that day will be over in but a moment.  I want so much to just come home, sit down, have food magically appear before us and clean itself away to be able to soak up every morsel of you for the next 2.5 hours.  Sadly, we both know that is not how it goes.  By the time Momma finishes dinner and cleanup it's time to rush you off to bath time.  That is the sixth favorite part of my day with you.  Because once again I can just sit and talk to you, or play Barbie dolls who I am certain double as whales for the amount of splashes I take from them  and get a few glimpses to see how you interact and the little parts of your personality coming out through play time.  But once again time is not on our side and if we want to have time to read a book we have to get dried off and ready for bed.  It's like the best part of life is the one thing I get to spend so little time on.  It's like investing so much into trying to provide a future that all the while you do not even realize what you are spending to get there is priceless.  And irreplaceable. But tonight is one of my favorite days.  It's Thursday and that means a pretty important thing in our home.  That means that tomorrow is Friday.  And anyone who would ask you what that means would surely hear, "that means we get to spend the whole weekend together!!!"  There's also a pretty good chance they would hear you follow it up with "and then its Saturdaaaaaay!!  and you know what that iiiiiiisssss??  SAT-DONUT-DAY!!!!!"  So while I sit here enjoying my seventh favorite part of the day with you, looking at you so beautiful while you sleep, I wanted to write you this. To let you know that not a moment of any day goes by when I do not know without a doubt that you are becoming a little older each day.  That the weight of the clock in scales isn't in my favor when it comes to the hours I get with you awake versus those apart.  That the days of you letting me pick out your clothes are growing fewer every day.  That the nights of you wanting to sleep in my bed will all too soon be a thing of the past. And that tomorrow just may be the day when you decide that it's time for your little toes to hit the floor instead of asking me to carry you to the couch to watch cartoons.  I hope not.

I love you my Bugs.

Love, Momma
xoxo